Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Scared Straight

Wednesday, June 16, 2010
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My vivid dreams have finally scared me straight! It's amazing how your subconscious can create vivid imagery in your dreams that reflect your deepest insecurities. As horrible as my dream was it opened my eyes and got me back on a track.

Fear is a very powerful thing. Fear can evoke atrocious responses in people but it can also influence ambition and motivation. This of course depends on the individual and how he or she perceives their life and the lives of others  in tandem. That perception changes frequently throughout our lives.

My fear has always merged with my insecurity. I suppose they could almost be placed in the same category. This fear or insecurity that has become a part of me was developed early in childhood and created by my perceptions and my experiences in relation to the people I loved and trusted. 

It's been very difficult for me to trust men. My love life was a constant roller coaster and I never had a stable relationship with any other man besides my brother, Omar. My fear is discovering that the love of my life has been unfaithful. My insecurity is my weight. Their correlation most likely comes from the need to always be beautiful in order to maintain the interest of my significant other. But even then, some men still stray from whom they claim to love. So the fear always remains even if I'm at my best in terms of health and vanity.

I love Troy. I trust him more than anyone in my entire life. I've been with him and lived with him for 6 years. I can say with full confidence that he has never cheated on me. And trust me, I'm a tough cookie to deal with at times and my weight has also fluctuated significantly since we met. But I know his values and I know how he was raised and his utter disgust of other men who cheat calms my predetermined nerves. 

Unfortunately, I don't believe insecurities and fears simply vanish even when certainty arrives. Those two best friends lay dormant in your subconscious and in times of stress or momentous change they reappear however they can. 

My dream was trying to shake me. It did a pretty good job. Although I woke up in tears, I woke up knowing that Troy loves me even more than I could possibly imagine. I also woke up knowing that I still need to work on loving myself.

So next time you have a dream that shakes you don't look for abnormalities in others. Look within yourself and peel the onion.


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