I don't Diet, I Live!

I refuse to diet.  I've been on that diet train and it's never worked for me. Something always goes wrong. 

When I was a teenager I binged and purged for some of my middle school years and all of my high school years. They say once you're bulimic you're always bulimic. I disagree. I haven't relapsed in about 2 or 3 years. Unfortunately I've also been afraid to "diet" because of it. I thought if I started fussing about my weight I would get sucked in and eventually regress. 

I feel that I've overcome a lot of my demons. Mind you, I've done it mostly on my own. I think that's why it's taken so long. I never had any help from anyone with this issue. I don't recommend doing it my way. If you're going through a similar problem, please get help immediately. Don't lose years of your life or your life entirely.

Anyway, no dieting! I've finally managed to find a balance.

There is no trick or gimmick to losing weight. You can eat what you want in moderation as long as you exercise, drink loads of water and take vitamins. I'm living proof!

I started including exercise in my routine last year. It took me about 2 weeks to get used to it and I managed to lose 35lbs. Of course, I had help. I used a supplement called Alli. I only lost 2 to 3lbs a week. I know it sounds dreadfully slow but it was the healthy way to do it. Health was and is my number one priority. Weight loss should never be stimulated by desperation, vanity or obsession. Those roads all lead to a dark path. I'm not going back there and you shouldn't either.

I stopped losing weight this year because I stopped exercising. I gained one or two lbs back but I managed to lose them before starting up again. I lost 3lbs last week. Woohoo! I don't think I'll be using Alli this time around. I don't feel like dishing out $60. I rather work harder at the gym. I can't even believe I'm saying that!

I'm confident I can lose 3lbs every week for 19 weeks in order to reach my goal of 140. Once I reach 140 I'll be able to tell if I should lose more. I'm not trying to look like a stick figure. I want to look and feel healthy. After all, I'm planning on having a rugrat in one or two years. I want to provide the best possible home for my future child. That - is my motivation.

I don't count calories and I don't have a log of any sort but if any of you would like me to put one up just leave a comment requesting one. I'll gladly start one if it means it can make someone else's voyage easier.

Scared Straight

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My vivid dreams have finally scared me straight! It's amazing how your subconscious can create vivid imagery in your dreams that reflect your deepest insecurities. As horrible as my dream was it opened my eyes and got me back on a track.

Fear is a very powerful thing. Fear can evoke atrocious responses in people but it can also influence ambition and motivation. This of course depends on the individual and how he or she perceives their life and the lives of others  in tandem. That perception changes frequently throughout our lives.

My fear has always merged with my insecurity. I suppose they could almost be placed in the same category. This fear or insecurity that has become a part of me was developed early in childhood and created by my perceptions and my experiences in relation to the people I loved and trusted. 

It's been very difficult for me to trust men. My love life was a constant roller coaster and I never had a stable relationship with any other man besides my brother, Omar. My fear is discovering that the love of my life has been unfaithful. My insecurity is my weight. Their correlation most likely comes from the need to always be beautiful in order to maintain the interest of my significant other. But even then, some men still stray from whom they claim to love. So the fear always remains even if I'm at my best in terms of health and vanity.

I love Troy. I trust him more than anyone in my entire life. I've been with him and lived with him for 6 years. I can say with full confidence that he has never cheated on me. And trust me, I'm a tough cookie to deal with at times and my weight has also fluctuated significantly since we met. But I know his values and I know how he was raised and his utter disgust of other men who cheat calms my predetermined nerves. 

Unfortunately, I don't believe insecurities and fears simply vanish even when certainty arrives. Those two best friends lay dormant in your subconscious and in times of stress or momentous change they reappear however they can. 

My dream was trying to shake me. It did a pretty good job. Although I woke up in tears, I woke up knowing that Troy loves me even more than I could possibly imagine. I also woke up knowing that I still need to work on loving myself.

So next time you have a dream that shakes you don't look for abnormalities in others. Look within yourself and peel the onion.